Zombies! Zombies!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Prepare yourselves! The invasion is nigh!

Muahahahaha!

Ten Things

Ten Things

Ten things I have learned about writing -- a la Elizabeth Bear and Ben Peek. This can also be read as a Stages of Writing thing, as these are largely consecutive "steps", to my mind. So:

1. Don't eat the crayons, even if "purple tastes gooooood". No, really. Put that down; it's not meant for that.*

2. Young talent must be nurtured. A child who has a certain knack for, say, writing stories in English class needs to be taken aside and told it in order to make them realise that they're special, to encourage them and (more importantly) alienate them from the dickwad jocks around, breeding a seething resentment of their low status in the high school pecking order. Compensatory arrogance and narcissistic rage are the powerhouse of the creative impetus.

3. Writing is 100% inspiration and 100% perspiration. It's what you breathe and what you sweat, all of it, equally. It often stinks for that reason, but not devouring shit will usually improve this state of affairs.

4. Flattery is for fuckwits; ruthless critique is the only critique of any value. Workshops can be valuable then, but if a workshop session doesn't make you want to kill someone** it's not worth shit. Even if it does you probably won't listen to the content and rewrite your crappy mood-piece / novel fragment / background summary so it's an actual fucking story. You will however want to a) get your own back on the bastards b) show these fuckers that you really are a genius, so there. In attempting to achieve the first you will hone your critical skills. In attempting to achieve the latter you will apply those skills to your own writing.

5. Learn to kill your darlings. But torture them first. And after you've killed them, strip the meat from their bones, take them apart and build them into one motherfucking huge serial-killer-style shrine. Alternatively, put them back together and reflesh them with muscle and sinew sliced from your own naked body (or neighbourhood pets) and vat-grown in your underground laboratory; raise them from the dead as a glorious army of skeletal warriors, unquestioning servants in your plan for world domination.

6. Shoeboxes full of adolescent scribblings make pretty fire. Should your army of undead sentences rise up against you, ceasing to obey your every whim and becoming instead an unruly mob seeking equal rights and inclusion in every story or novel you try to write, putting all of them -- every last motherfucking one of them -- to the torch will liberate you to start anew, utilising the skills acquired over five-ten years of twiddling and tweaking. As a wise man once said: exterminate all the brutes.

7. There is really only one way to be a writer: start writing, carry on writing, and keep on writing until it's five in the morning. A mix of uppers (e.g coffee) and downers (e.g. cigarettes) can keep you balanced for an indefinite period on the knife-edge between consciousness and complete collapse. This is known as "the Zone". Remember: sleep-deprivation is the poor man's hallucinogen.

8. Bad writers burrow; good writers steel themselves and face the fucking consequences when the monster they've created gets loose and runs amok inside their heads, raping innocent memories and pillaging knowledge, growing in might and violence until the landscape of the mind is all but consumed in chaos. Fear not. Once you have tamed the monster it will be a loyal friend and ally, demanding only the occassional virgin sacrifice. And that's what virgins are for.

9. "Art" is a poncy term for craft combined with flair. What distinguishes the talented writer from the good writer (c.f. Delany) is having the audacity to take on an insanely difficult project and the panache to fail gloriously, shrug it off and start on another even more insanely difficult project. Pretentious writing is only pretentious because it is not ambitious enough. Your detractors will not make this distinction, but what do they know? Bastards.

10. Fuck that shit.

* 1a. This simple childhood rule applies also in adult life to: playing computer Solitaire; browsing the interweb; checking email; surfing for p0rn. If you are doing any of this you are eating the crayons. Stop it now.

** 4a. If the someone that ruthless critique makes you want to kill is yourself then you are not a writer and never will be. You are a delicate flower... to be snipped off and worn as a buttonhole by men of cruel wit and savage passions.

...
Once again, I have stolen something off of someone else's blog. This time it's Hal Duncan's, since I was on there for the last post looking for something else entirely. Also, read the comments on his page!

Bookstore Horror!

I was shelving history books downstairs. The store had just had a recent influx (or rather, glut) of history titles, and it was taking a team of us to get everything put up in a timely manner. So, I was happily humming to myself, shifting British history books along the shelves to fit everything, when I noticed a slim black paperback tucked behind the Margaret Thatcher biographies. Take note of that- behind the Margaret Thatcher biographies. Then, imagine my horror when I pulled out the book and read the title.

How to Impress Any Woman.*

Margaret Thatcher.

I cried a little, laughed hysterically, cried a little more, and ran upstairs to share my discovery with my coworkers and now the world.

* OK, so I'm not totally sure if that's the actual title- I was a little traumatized and I don't have the book with me at the moment. But, you get the idea.

20 Facts About Neil Gaiman

I stole this from Book Spot Central (which apparently stole it from Jim Hines). It was too good to pass up. (My favorites are 5 and 11.)

1. Neil Gaiman once wrote a Nebula-winning story using only the middle row of his keyboard.
2. Harper Collins has taken out a 2.5 million dollar insurance policy on Neil Gaiman’s accent.
3. If you write 1000 words and Neil Gaiman writes 1000 words, Neil Gaiman has written more than you.
4. Neil Gaiman does not use Microsoft’s grammar-check. Microsoft uses a Gaiman-check.
5. Neil Gaiman once did the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen. In fifteen minutes. He won two Hugo awards for it.
6. Neil Gaiman is who the Ghostbusters call.
7. Most agents charge a 15% commission. Neil Gaiman’s agent pays him an extra 15% for the privilege of saying “I’m Neil Gaiman’s agent.”
8. William Shakespeare once came back from the dead to ask for Neil Gaiman’s autograph.
9. Neil Gaiman is the reason nobody teaches “I before E except after C” anymore.
10. Some writers take inspiration from the muse. The muse takes inspiration from Neil Gaiman.
11. Neil Gaiman once groped Harlan Ellison.
12. The pen is mightier than the sword; Neil Gaiman has mastered fourteen different styles of penmanship.
13. Rumor has it that a NY editor rejected Neil Gaiman’s first book. This can not be confirmed, as the editor in question was never heard from again.
14. Neil Gaiman can tweet 175 characters.
15. Neil Gaiman’s personal library includes an autographed copy of the Necronomicon.
16. Hitler actually won World War II. Then Neil Gaiman wrote an alternate-history story in which the allies won, and reality was too intimidated to argue the point.
17. Some authors write in omniscient point of view. Neil Gaiman lives it.
18. Neil Gaiman’s next novel is expected to win the Nebula, the Hugo, and the Heisman Trophy.
19. In any given week, 7 of the top 10 books on the NYT Bestseller List are by pseudonyms of Neil Gaiman.
20. Neil Gaiman has never written a deus ex machina ending. However, God once wrote a Gaiman ex machina ending.

Hope for Humanity

This is a beautiful thing.

Awesome Video

Dr. Who Meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOuOTOl-3gA

(Since I can't figure out how to embed video, you must go clicky on the link.)

Little Known Facts

A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.

The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate. I know some people like that!

A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.

During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur," a small red car can be seen in the distance.

On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! That explains it!

Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.

There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan." There was never a recorded Wendy before.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves.

The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."

The original name for butterfly was flutterby.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.

By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.

Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson."

An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.

The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.

The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them. Not to mention the other drawback.

Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.